| Thursday, November 27, 2003 |
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Nov. 27, 2003
It's Thanksgiving. It is one of my favorite days and holidays. It is the one day of year I am a good cook. I don't burn things or complain about cooking. The meal is planned and I don't have to ask anyone for suggestions. It is probably the only day of the year the I like to cook. Normally I look at cooking as a chore, something that is necessary, but something I don't like to do. It's a job. I look at it differently on Thanksgiving, and I'm sure that's why I don't mind it this day.
I've decided to not be upset about yesterday. It's gone, it's over and there is nothing I can do about it. I am going to enjoy today. I have a lot to be thankful for
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I have been working on an article for my writing class. It's my spin on how to find your passion, live your dreams, and do work you love. The past few months have been full of discovery for me. I have learned so much, and I have found some great books and websites along the way. Here are my favorites:
Doing Work You Love by Cheryl Gilman
Write It Down, Make it Happen by Henriette Anne Klauser
Alex Beauchamp's web site: www.girlatplay.com |
posted by Kelly @ 11/27/2003 04:46:00 PM   |
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| Wednesday, November 26, 2003 |
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Nov. 26, 2003
This started out as great great day. It's not anymore. I left the house a few hours ago to drop off work. I was in a great mood because I had gotten so much work done, and I was thinking about how much I like Thanksgiving, and how wonderful it is to be working at home. Ideas were flowing through my head for stories to write, and I had decided to work on writing this afternoon instead of my other work. Letting your mind dance and fill with ideas while driving a car is notthe best idea. The policeman that pulled me over for speeding didn't think so either.
I was and I still am so upset about this. How could I be so stupid! I want to be mad at the officer, how dare he pull me over, it's the day before Thanksgiving, but I can't. He was just doing his job. I was wrong. I was the one speeding. UGH! Why did I have to get caught. LOL.
I am not sure how to take this. I always ask for signs to let me know if I'm on the right track. Is this a sign? I have been worrying about money lately, questioning if I did the right thing. Is this the universes way of saying, "Go get a real job, it pays more. You're gonna need it for things like this!" I don't want money to be the thing that holds me back, but I don't like feeling this way either. When I had a steady income I would have been upset, but I would not have let it bother me this much. This makes me question if I am really ready to pursue the freelance life style.
This morning I was so happy about my choices and so confident. If one little setback is going to make me feel like this, I think I should re-think things.
Then I start to think that this is Mr. Doubter again, but in a different form. I am being tested to see if I am strong enough to do this.
What am I going to do? Sit here and cry the rest of the day. No. I am going to accept this for what it is, another dumb mistake, and move on. I am going to pay the fine, roll up my sleeves, and write a great story. I am going to submit that story and earn money. This isn't that bad.
I don't really feel like doing this right now, but I will. I feel much better now then I did when I sat down to write this. Hmm, maybe that's a sign. |
| posted by Kelly @ 11/26/2003 04:45:00 PM |
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| Monday, November 24, 2003 |
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Nov. 24, 2003
When I was young, not having money bothered me. I always felt different because I was one of the "have nots". I acted like it didn't bother me, but it did. I had a great childhood even though we didn't have a lot of money, and looking back I know had much more than I thought I did. But those feelings of being inferior are still with me sometimes. When good things happen to me, I tend to question why because I don't feel worthy. I also over question things if I don't get a response, and fear the worse. In my mind if someone doesn't compliment my work or respond it means they don't like it. When I think rationally about it I know this isn't true, but that's my initial reaction. I need to start believing in my work. I am sabotaging myself with my current thinking.
I thought about this because it was brought to my attention that I let the past block my present and future, and that I hold on to the past too much and don't learn from my mistakes. I didn't believe this until I looked through some old journals.
On May 14, 2001 I wrote, "Why am I stuck in this rut? I keep doing the same thing over and over . It is getting old. I need to escape this pattern of behavior. I need to become a doer not a talker but I don't know how to go about it."
I was talking about becoming a writer. Then I didn't write until June 25, 2001, but it sounded the same, "Same old pattern once again. When am I going to learn? I go all out then STOP-total stand still. Then I wonder why nothing comes to me. I have to change this behavior. I am good enough. I have good creative ideas. I can do anything I put my mind to. I must let go of my fear of failure. Worst case-people don't like what I've done. SO WHAT? If I like what I've done, it really doesn't matter. If I write a book and no one likes it, I really haven't failed have I? No, because I wrote a book. A whole book. Not everyone can say that! I really think this is what I need to work on first. Setting goals and following through."
Imagine what could have been created by now if I had started then!
I am not going to keep letting this hold me back. I know that it won't be always be easy, but I will work hard to stop doubting myself. I will keep reminding myself that I can do this. I am good enough and I have and will continue to produce great work..
Note to self: On the bad days, re-read all the nice things people have said about you and your work. |
| posted by Kelly @ 11/24/2003 01:41:00 PM |
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| Sunday, November 23, 2003 |
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Nov. 23, 2003
Seventeen years ago today I became a mommy. I was still a kid myself at nineteen years old, but when I saw my son, I knew it was why I was meant to be here. We've grown up together. I've made mistakes, but it has been an amazing adventure.
My "baby" is 6'3" now and almost a man. He is handsome, smart, funny, kind and a pleasure to be around. I don't always understand him, and sometimes he gets on my nerves, but that is part of being a teenager. I know I was misunderstood and I know I tweaked a nerve or two.
Brian has always marched to his own beat. He has always been different from the crowd. I used to laugh an jokingly say, "If he didn't look just like his dad, I wouldn't know where he came from!" However, as he gets older, it is eerily apparent where he's from. He is so much like me it is scary. I am so proud, and so blessed, and so luckily that this unique soul choose me to be his mom. He's exactly who I would have picked.
Happy Birthday Brian. I love you!
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| posted by Kelly @ 11/23/2003 01:38:00 PM |
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| Thursday, November 20, 2003 |
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Nov. 20, 2003
I am starting to get some weird intuitive moments lately. I am not even sure if that's what to call it, but let me share:
1. Last night while considering submitting an article to a larger magazine, I was reviewing the writer's guide lines and it required submitting two clips. being new to this, I only have 1 and I thought, how am I going to get more clips. I need 2. I figured I would just give up until I got one more. Two minutes later, and I am not exaggerating, the phone rang. It was my friend calling to congratulate me on my article. I had an article published and didn't even know it. I had my 2 clips. I am taking this as I sign that I should submit that article.
2. I went to pick up a copy of the magazine to see my article. Before I even opened it up I began thinking about what to submit next. The two things that came to mind first were a story about black Friday and why I won't shop that day and a story about holiday charities, why giving is better than getting. To my surprise, both of these articles were in this edition, written by someone else.
This happens to me a lot lately. I think about something that seems so original and inspiring, and I pull up a web site, read an email, or magazine and my idea is already there. It's so strange. I am trying to look at it in a positive way, like I'm in sync with what's going on, but I have to say it's getting hard. The first example was a good thing, 'cause I had been asking for a sign to let me know I was on the right track. The second one bothers me.
I don't want people to think I am copying or unoriginal. I really did have these ideas first. This is not the first time things like this have happened. I have kept a journal since 2001 and I have things written in there that I thought were my own enlightened observations. Now that I have been checking out some other online journals, I see that others share my thoughts, sometime almost word for word. Sometimes, according to their dates, we were thinking these same things right around the same time. How odd.
Maybe people traveling down similar paths have to experience some of the same things to continue moving forward.
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| posted by Kelly @ 11/20/2003 01:37:00 PM |
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| Sunday, November 16, 2003 |
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Nov. 16, 2003
For someone who could not get started I sure am on a roll. That's good. I know there will be days when I won't have anything to write here.
I was thinking a lot about something today. I don't have many enemies, but one that I have has been giving me a lot of trouble lately. I am sometimes fooled into thinking he's completely gone and never going to return, but he's always quietly lurking in the shadows getting stronger and waiting for the perfect opportunity to attack. He is back and is louder and stronger than ever.
His name is Mr. Doubter and he crushes dreams where ever he goes. Every time I do something, he's here to tell me how bad it is, that I'm not good enough, that I'm just pretending to be something that I'm not and never will be. I have tried everything to shut him up, to make him stop, to make him go away forever, but he won't leave me alone.
I show him the articles I wrote, and say, "See it must be good, it was published." He just shakes his head and laughs.
I tell him the nice things people say about my work, and he replies, "Oh there just being nice, they don't want to tell you what they really think." Then he tells me to stop all this silliness and go backto my real job. He's even nice about it, "you were good at that."
I'm afraid Mr. Doubter will always be here, I'm just going to have to find a way to live with him, and not allow him to stop me. How I'll do this I don't know.
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| posted by Kelly @ 11/16/2003 04:37:00 PM |
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| Saturday, November 15, 2003 |
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Nov. 15, 2003
Last night I was so tired, and I couldn't figure out why. I thought I didn't do anything.
Then I began thinking about what I did this week. I completed and submitted two articles. I exceeded my web research quota. I got this website up and running and I kept up with all the normal day to day stuff. Not bad, I guess I was busier than I thought.
Thinking about this made me realize that I have been making some mistakes that I thought I wouldn't make because I had read so much about them before I decided to pursue this dream of writing. These are things I'm going to stop doing--or at least try hard not to do:
I am not going to down play my accomplishments
ex1. I wrote an article, took pictures to go along with it, and it was published. I earned $35 for this and I was so excited. It was the very first article I ever submitted and all at once I was a published writer and photographer and I was paid for it. Then I started saying stuff like, "I wrote an article, but I didn't get paid a lot and it was only published in a local weekend magazine." Well guess what I wrote and article, it was published, and I was paid. That is quite an accomplishment!
ex2. I created this page. I worked very hard, but I keep calling it"just my homepage" and saying it's "not a real web page". If you saw the first draft of it you to would realize how far I've come. Last week I had no idea how to use an FTP and this week you are reading this--well you might be if I learn to share. If you are viewing this from the internet than it is a web page even if it isn't www dot something.
I have to stop worrying about everyone else
I started doing this for the right reasons. It was what I wanted to do. I knew it was going to be hard but I also knew that I was going to be happy doing it. This is for me, and no one else. Hopefully people will like some of what I've done. I have read things that I don't like.
I have to stop trying so hard
Good things will come, I have already experienced some of this, but sometimes I have trouble waiting for them, and I try too hard. Then I end up feeling miserable because it doesn't happen as I expected. Looking back, I see that the best things have come when I just put things out there and let it happen. When I PUSH things they come out all wrong--I send email that I later regret because they sound so stupid, I write things that I don't like or I can't write because I block myself before I begin.
And this is what I am going to do more of:
I am going to have more fun
I don't want this to turn out like every other job I've had. With me loving it in the beginning and then disliking it so much in the end that I wonder why I ever wanted to do it. It took me a long time to figure out that I wanted to be a writer, and that I could be a writer. I don't want to blow this. If I decide I don't want to be a writer anymore, I want it to be because I found something else I want to be more, not because I don't like doing it.
This is me...Ready or Not, Here I come!
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| posted by Kelly @ 11/15/2003 01:33:00 PM |
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| Friday, November 14, 2003 |
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Nov. 14, 2003
This journal has been giving me the most trouble of anything I've done on this site. I am not sure what to put here. I am having a very hard time. I want this to be original. I want it to be interesting and inspiring. I want it to be perfect. All of this is causing me to leave it blank.
I wrote this so I would have something to put here.
I have read so many other journals, and many of the thoughts are the same ones that I have. I know this is because they are like minded individuals, but still, I don't want anyone to think I am copying their ideas (an email list I'm on dealt with this today and that is making this even harder).
I am feeling silly too because I have only shared this site with a handful of people, so it is not going to see much traffic. Even that doesn't help. My biggest fear with writing has been sharing. I am afraid that people will not like what I write. I don't like worrying about what others think, but I don't know how to stop this. The funny part is every time I've shared I have gotten positive responses and amazing things have happened, but still I panic every time I send out something new.
I have also seen some amazing work out there and it's making me doubt my abilities.
Well, there it is, a start. At least it is something. Only time will tell where I'll go from here.
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| posted by Kelly @ 11/14/2003 04:23:00 PM |
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| About Me |
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Name: Kelly Gibbons
Home: Dallas, Pennsylvania, United States
About Me:
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| Not Quite Grown-up: The Random Ramblings of Kelly Gibbons the Dreamer, Writer and Artist |
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