| Wednesday, December 31, 2003 |
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New Year' Eve 2003-What a Year It's Been
This year has been amazing, and sometimes I forget that. Since this is New Year's Eve I thought it was a good time to remind myself how far I've come.
It is easy to forget our accomplishments when the day to day stuff gets in the way. I start dwelling on the bad things and forget the good. Here's a reminder of some of the good:
1. I decided to becoming a writer.
2. I enrolled in a writing class.
3. I quit my job to pursue my dream.
4. I became a published writer and photographer.
5. I wrote a children's book (not published yet, but my Grandpa loved it!)
6. I designed, published and maintain a web site.
This year was also filled with some great adventures. I went to Jamaica with my family (absolutely awesome), NYC with the girls, and I got to visit some other great places for articles. How cool is that! I got paid to go to some places I always wanted to see(Jim Thorpe, PA and the Houdini Museum)!
I have wanted to do all of these things for so long, and I am still rather stunned that this was the year I was able to--especially the writing. I have journals from four years ago where I wrote things like, "I want to write a book," and "I wish I could be a writer" but I never did anything about it. I was to afraid to take the leap. I am still trying to figure out what the difference was this year. I think it is because I finally just decided I could do it, and I made a real effort. I found that even a little bit of effort can make a huge difference, and that even when you are absolutely petrified if you move past it amazing things will happen.
I had heard so many people say that and I didn't believe it until I experienced it myself. I am so happy I moved past my fear. If I had not none of this would have happened. I am still scared all the time. I doubt myself a lot and wonder what the hell I have gotten in to, but now instead of quitting or giving in to my fear, I ask myself, "what's the worst that can happen?" Once I realize that even if the worst happens I'll still be OK, it is pretty easy to move forward.
In writing my biggest fear was sharing and rejection. Since I have shared my work, I have heard so many nice things, and I have also had a few rejections (always nice though). Guess what? I survived. And not once has anyone said "You suck" or "You're not a real writer" or "You don't belong here" or any of the other things I thought I'd hear.
I have a long way to go and a lot to learn and I know I will have to get through many more bad days, and ups and downs before all is said and done. But I have never been happier with a decision. It is actually nice to finally be able to say, "When I grow up, I want to be a writer!"
Happy New Year! May 2004 be the Year that Dreams continue to come true!
One of my biggest inspirations this year was Alex Beauchamp. I have never meet her, but her web site, girlatplay.com, has been such an inspiration to me. I am so glad I found it. Anyone who wonders if they could possibly become a writer should read her chronicles. They will know that it is possible. I can't wait until her book it published, It will definitely be on my must read list! |
posted by Kelly @ 12/31/2003 10:00:00 AM   |
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| Monday, December 29, 2003 |
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The funny thing about being a writer is that inspiration can hit any time, but what I have been learning is that my inspiration usually hits when I am writing. I woke up this morning and decided instead of moaning and groaning, I was going to do something about writing. I was going to write something. I wasn't being picky, and the only criteria was that I had to find a place to submit an idea and then start writing it. Everything I write won't get published, but If I don't write and submit I definitely won't get published.
I know I keep saying this, and I will probably say it a thousand more times, but I am the one who is going to make this work, and I knew going in it wasn't going to be easy. I have to keep moving forward even on the bad days. When things aren't going well I have to believe I can do this even more. Persistence will pay off.
Anyway, once I started writing I began to have fun. Once I started to have fun, I began to think of ideas. I sent the idea to the editor I've been working with and guess what, he liked it and now I have another article to write. Now, how do I beat this into my head for next time.
I guess eventually if I say and write all of this enough, it will sink in. I must have to learn through repetition.
I also was not worrying about money today, and that made a difference. I wrote because I wanted to and realized once again that I love to write, and that I write for the right reasons it's easy. I have to keep reminding (and stop worrying about it) that the money will come if I follow my heart. |
| posted by Kelly @ 12/29/2003 08:53:00 PM |
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| Sunday, December 28, 2003 |
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I am getting worried. New ideas are definitely not just coming to me. I am not sure if I can handle this kind of lifestyle. I'm not used to waiting, and I lack patience. I like to be doing things. I like to be productive and earning money. Maybe if I was writing and submitting I would feel different, but it is very diffucult without ideas.
Nothing seems right to me when I write. My ideas seem flat and unimaginative. I am also having a problem finding places to submit my work. The books I have are overwhelming.
These ups and downs are not very pleasant. I am starting to feel like something is wrong with me. One week I am on top of the world, and the next I am ready to give up. Writing about it helps, but then I start to feel like all I ever do is complain about writing or toot my own horn when I talk about the good side of it. |
| posted by Kelly @ 12/28/2003 04:09:00 PM |
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| Saturday, December 27, 2003 |
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I am glad to report that Christmas was all it was supposed to be once again. I love Christmas, and this year was another great one full of laughter and surprises. My favorite reaction to a gift was my Grandpa's. Not that I wanted to make him cry, but with that reaction I knew he loved the book I wrote him and that made my Christmas. It proves that you don't have to spend any money to make someone happy.
I did get some bad news on Christmas Eve. The article I submitted (the "big one" that I was hoping to make some money on) was rejected. I tried to see the positive in it, but it still hurt. I know I should not have expected it to be published, but isn't that the hope every time you send something? Also, I really thought I had a shot with this one, and as a joke, every time someone asked me what I wanted for Christmas I said that I wanted my article published.
When I saw first saw the email on Christmas Eve, I really thought my Christmas wish had come true, because I had said it so many times. I have to admit I was quite disappointed that it was a rejection. That part of me that still believes was expecting Santa to grant my wish.
On a positive note, an editor from a national magazine did say she enjoyed my piece. That is something that I never even imagined could happen a few months ago. This year has been filled with so many exciting and wonderful things that I am not going to allow one rejection to stop me. I will get an article published in a national magazine, and I won't stop there. This is just the beginning and I'm sure there will be more than one rejection in my future, but I am also sure there will be a lot of published articles too! |
| posted by Kelly @ 12/27/2003 03:11:00 PM |
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| Tuesday, December 23, 2003 |
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Dec. 23, 2003
Surprises are wonderful. An email I got yesterday made my day, because it let me know that someone not related to me reads (or tries to read) my posts. Thanks for the update that my font was too small!
Yesterday was a good writing day for two reasons. One, I wrote and submitted an article. I always feel better when I do, and since I was having a real problem writing it was even better. And two, because I talked to my husband, and he reassured me again that he is 100% behind be in my choice to pursue a writing career.
I told him how bad I feel that he's out there busting his butt everyday and I'm here enjoying what I do, but not earning a lot of money doing it. He told me he was so glad that I was doing this. I also told him that I feel everyone thinks I am sitting home doing nothing and that sometimes I worry he thinks that too. He told me I couldn't be more wrong, that he knows I am taking steps forward everyday and that I will make this work. His belief in me is amazing. I wish I was always as confident in myself as he is in me.
My children have also been amazing through this. When I even mention to them that I am going to get a job, they tell me not to, and they tell me that I should write and that I can do this. It is nice to be surrounded by such supportive cheerleaders. It makes me want to succeed, so I don't let them down.
Their belief is contagious--I am definitely starting to believe that I can do this. That is important because I don't think any creative person can move forward without believing in themselves. My wish for everyone this Holiday is more confidence. You can do it--whatever IT is!
I might not be posting for a few days because of school break and the holidays, so if anyone is reading, Have the best holiday, you deserve it. I'll be back soon.
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| posted by Kelly @ 12/23/2003 09:35:00 AM |
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| Monday, December 22, 2003 |
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When I first began to write, my biggest fear was rejection. I was afraid that no one would like what I wrote, so it took me awhile to share. Now I am afraid no one will see what I wrote.
I know this is not right, but part of me is jealous of the people who say their sites get thousands of hits a day. I want that to be me. I realize that they have been doing this longer than me, and I am happy for them because they deserve it, but still a twinge of jealousy hits me when I read about the popularity of others. I want my turn.
A big problem that I have been having lately with writing is coming up with new ideas. I have had major writer's block. I think this is because I am looking for somewhere to send my work before I write it. I know I should just write it first than worry about that, but right now I am trying to make a go of writing as a career, so I am looking for where the money is going to come from first.
This is not the best way to be a writer. The problem is right now I don't have another income source. When I first decided to quit my day job everything came easy. Before I even left that job, an article was being published, and I had work lined up at home. It seemed like everything was just going to fall into place, and that is the way I like it.
When my work at home ran out, so did my ability to write (or so it seems). When I was still working, I found out that 4 articles were being published and I felt comfortable that this would work out. I wasn't making a lot, but I was making something. Now that I have stopped working, I can't even come up with an idea to send.
I think I so desperately want this to work that I am blocking myself creatively. This is not good, because (as noted earlier) if I don't start earning money at this I will need to find a job outside my home. This makes me sad because I really like working here. It suits me. I didn't go into this thinking I would become rich quickly, but I thought I could get a few small assignments to get by. I even have a place to send them, and so far everything I've sent has been published, but now I am blocked.
I think I am still waiting for a magic fairy to wave her wand and deliver ideas to my brain. That would be nice, but I know it is not going to happen. I have to figure out ways to unblock myself and come up with ideas, once I have them the writing comes easy.
Since this is Christmas week, I think I will try to relax and enjoy. If a story comes great, I'll write. If not there is always next week. From what I've read, this is what happens with creativity. There are highs and lows, you have to learn to deal or find ways to bring on the creativity. I think I will also search for ways to boost the creativity this week. If I find some good things, I will definitely share. |
| posted by Kelly @ 12/22/2003 06:58:00 AM |
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| Saturday, December 20, 2003 |
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Dec. 20, 2003
This is my first post to my new Blog. I decided to go with this site for posting my journal, because the publishing software I use was giving me trouble when I added larger posts. I have transferred my previous journal entries to this Blog and they can be viewed in the archives.
You can also check out my homepage by clicking the link to the right. It has some info about me and a list of my published work. Comments are welcome (so are writing jobs if you are looking for a writer!) so email me from my homepage.
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| posted by Kelly @ 12/20/2003 08:25:00 AM |
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| Friday, December 19, 2003 |
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December 19, 2003
It is nice to realize that your kids are listening even when you think they are not. Yesterday I was questioning my parenting abilities and wondering if I was responsible for the way they were acting about having and not having things. I thought I was teaching them to be different and I was upset with the way they were acting (like the spoiled kids who don't appreciate anything). Anyway the major part of our fight was over shoes (it sounds silly, but it was quite a battle) and my refusal to buy them for one night (annual chorus concert). Basically I was the worst mom on the face of the earth for not buying them because Everyone else was. I heard all the usual complaints: "I don't have any shoes that match, I'm not going because I will look ridiculous," and so on and on and on. I was not giving in this time and this made me feel bad, but I told them they would have to figure something out. They were persistent and it was hard to hold my ground, but I did. Eventually they ended up borrowing shoes and apologizing to me. I was very surprised when my daughter said, "In a way I'm glad we got in trouble, because you know I think you were right, we would have only worn them once and it would have been a waste of money.' It made me feel great to realize that they do hear the important things that I say. I am very grateful for the great kids that I have.
Even though a new article came out yesterday, writing is not going as well as I hoped it would. I am at a loss for new ideas, and I am not having fun not working. I know I should relax and enjoy the time off, but I can't. I like to be busy. I like to be working on something. I like getting paid. There I said it. Money is important to me even if I pretend that it is not. The problem is that it is conflicting with other things in my life that are also important. I didn't realize how important being home was until I got the chance. I knew going into this that it was not going to all be easy and that simply stating I'm a writer was not going to bring me jobs. I need to get my act in gear and continue doing what brought me success. I keep saying that but I can't seem to do it.
I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I feel bad being home when my husband is working. I know I decided to make writing my job and that this is part of it, but I am new to this and even though I am doing things to better myself in writing because it is not like a typical job where you put in a certain amount of hours, do certain work and then at the end of the week collect your pay it is hard for me. I keep thinking that I will be perceived as lazy or that I am really not working. I need to come to terms with this new way of working. Maybe if I start understand that and deal with it I won't be so hard on myself.
Reading about being a writer and what you should except living life as a writer is one thing, doing it is quite another. I have to remember this. |
| posted by Kelly @ 12/19/2003 05:07:00 PM |
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| Thursday, December 18, 2003 |
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December 18, 2003
It is very hard to live in a materialistic world when you don't have unlimited funds. It is ten times harder with teenage children. I don't know how many more times I can hear, "I don't have anything," or "So-and-so has this can I get it," or my favorite, "But Everyone has it and I just have to have it!"
I don't like Everyone. Everyone must be the richest, most spoiled person on the face of this Earth. Everyone needs to get a reality check and realize that she is creating chaos in suburbia. Everyone can afford Louis Vuitton purses and every other designer brand anything that is out there. I can't. Making my teenage daughters understand this is Mission Impossiple to the Max.
Not being able to buy them everything makes me feel guilty, and then that makes me mad. They have what they need (and much more), but they don't have what they want. At thirteen years old, they should not be wanting what they want,but because everyone else has it they thing they need it. There is a huge difference between wants and needs and I think they should be teaching that in Middle School America.
I need to make them realize how much they have and I don't know how. Reminding them of all they have only helps for a moment. They quickly turn that around and let me know how many other people have more. They really don't rallize how much they have.
I also need to stop feeling guiltly when I say no. If I was denying them things they really needed I would have something to feel guiltly about, but I am not. |
| posted by Kelly @ 12/18/2003 05:06:00 PM |
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| Tuesday, December 16, 2003 |
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Dec. 16, 2003
Be careful what you wish for because you might get it. I understand that very well. I wished for time, and I got it. Now I am upset because I have too much time on my hands. I have time to write now and that is a good thing, but because I am not getting paid a lot for writing so I am left worrying about not working. The never ending battle: I always find something to worry about.
If someone asked me what they should do in this situation, I would tell them not to worry. I would explain to them that things always work out and that worrying about it only makes it worse. It is so easy to give useful advice to others, and people genuinely seem to benefit from the advice I give. However, I seem to have a real problem practicing what I preach. I worry about everything and can't seem to use my advice to help myself. It's like the plumber with leaky pipes.
I need to worry less and do more. If I am going to be a writer I need to write and submit. It might not be tomorrow but this will happen. I know it will. If I have to get a part time job in the meantime, that's what I'll do. I just won't forget that it is only temporarily until I have more writing work or work at home. This is the life of a writer, and it is what I want. I will make this work, but I have to admit that I look forward to the day that writing is my full time job and I am getting paid decently to do it. We should all get paid what we are worth for doing something we love. I think the world would be a happier place. |
| posted by Kelly @ 12/16/2003 05:05:00 PM |
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| Sunday, December 14, 2003 |
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Dec. 14, 2003
Computers are wonderful things, until they break. Or just screw up for no apparent reason. I'm am just very happy that I backed most of my work up. So, what happened? The program I use to make my web site suddenly decided to stop working. When things like that happen I get obsessed with fixing them and get very frustrated when I can't. What bothered me the most is that I lost the last entry that I wrote, and i thought it was very good. Now it is gone forever. I guess I will just have to create another masterpiece.
Something else is bothering me. I am going to have to find a job. I am not looking forward to this because I have been having so much fun at home. But, bills need to be paid, and that is that. I am not giving up my dream, and I am definitely not stopping my writing. I will have to find a way to do both. I am not going to get a spectacular job, just something to earn some cash. I don't really care what I do, and i don't want an office job. been there done that and I'm not going back. I must be creative, it is the only time I am really happy. I am not worried, because I know I will be OK. I always am.
I am still hoping that I get word that a big article is being published-one that pays big bucks-that would be very nice. I know that it doesn't always work that way, but it is so nice when it does. I can hope. So far I've gotten what I've asked for so why not.
Tomorrow I am doing the major shopping, but starting Tuesday, I am dedicating my days to full time writing until I find another job. Maybe putting in the work will lead to some paying jobs and then I won't have to get the job. I think this is a plea to the universe. So if you are listening (and I know you do) please send me what I need so I don't have to do something I really don't want to. |
| posted by Kelly @ 12/14/2003 05:04:00 PM |
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| Thursday, December 11, 2003 |
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Dec. 11, 2003
I am officially a writer. I finished my freelance assignment and at the moment the Editor I was working with has no more outsourcing work. So as of yesterday, my sole source of income is as a writer. I thought that would freak me out, but it didn't (at least for today).
Maybe it's because I still have two checks coming, or maybe it's because my husband is so supportive about this. I even talked to him about going back to my old job on a temp basis because they are in their busy season and he said not to do that. He doesn't want to see me take a step back. Or maybe it is because I am really starting to believe in myself and I know I can make this work...saying I'm a writer doesn't sound like such a fantasy anymore, it is beginning to sound real.
Now about NYC:
We had an awesome time. New York City at Christmas time is a must see. The store windows are so festive and the tree at Rockefeller Center is magnificent, TV does not do it justice. I love the energy of the city, it makes me feel so alive. Shopping on the other hand is definitely out of my league-Much too expensive!
I don't know if it is a vibes I give off or that I have a friendly face, but everywhere I go someone has to talk to me. It is actually a joke in my family. New York was no exception. We decided to ride the subway, and since I have only done that one other time, I am not an expert. I really have no idea what train goes where, but I figured a clerk would tell us. However, when we went down into a station, there was no clerk there. We were standing there deciding what to do and a woman tapped me on the shoulder, "Where you going?"
"Uh, SOHO," I replied.
"You wanna go on the 1 and the 9, that's a block over on 7th. Ask the clerk where to go, don't ask the people, they lie. Ask the clerk. Make sure you go downtown, not uptown. Make sure you go downtown." She even followed us up to the street repeating "Make sure you go downtown," as she pointed us to the right terminal.
We purchased the tickets for the train and when the train marked "1" arrived we started getting on. I was last and just before I got on, I had a funny feeling it was not the right train, and said out loud, "Wait that says the Bronx, aren't supposed to go downtown."
A lady on the train yelled, "This is uptown."
I screamed, "Get off! Get off! This is the wrong train."
Everyone jumped of and two seconds later the door closed. The six of us just stood on the platform laughing. We had almost sent four girls (ages eleven to thirteen) off on a subway alone. Finally we found the right train, but we still weren't 100% sure where to get off. We didn't have to worry, because a gentleman on the train must have overheard us, and as he was exiting he said to me, "You want to go three more stops, it's the stop after Christopher."
Thanks to strangers it all worked out. I call these angel moments. They happen all the time especially when I'm traveling. I have been in some bad situations, but I've never panicked and someone has always been there to save me.
I could go on and on. I Love NY! |
| posted by Kelly @ 12/11/2003 04:57:00 PM |
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| Friday, December 05, 2003 |
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Dec. 5, 2003
This has been a great week. It is amazing what happens when I change my attitude. Lately I have been doubting myself so much and have been so down on myself. I have been worrying so much about money (or should I say the lack of earning money on a regular basis.)
Ilove working at home for myself, and I love writing. But practical me worries about the other stuff, and this part of me has been taking over lately.
This week I worked on changing my attitude and did a few things to improve it. I stopped focusing on writing for awhile and tried making something (crafts). I really enjoyed creating something new. I also tried to look at what i have differently. I started seeing all that I do have and stopped complaining about what I don't have. Instead of complaining about my small house that needs work, I started being grateful for my cozy little house with character. I also did something that I think put good things in motion.
I donated money to a homeless shelter. I have been hearing a lot lately about the flow of abundance and that you have to give freely in order to receive. Several books I've read recently have talked about this and I heard something on TV about it where a woman was near financial ruins but donated money to PBS and her situation dramatically changed. That person was Suze Orman (?) the financial wiz. I figured if it worked for her I should give it a try. I remembered a news clip about a local shelter in desperate need of funds. So I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started being grateful for all that I have, and I sent a check.
That was Sunday. By Monday I was very happy to be working at home and determined to make my dream of writing work and I started writing again. It was wonderful to be back in that mode again. On Wednesday I sent an article and found out that day it would be published. I also got word that another article I'd sent weeks ago was also being published. Happy doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. I was so glad for not giving up.
the next day was even better. I found out that another article (one of the first I'd sent) was also going to be published. Three articles if two days! Not bad if I say so myself. I thought of the check and became a believer. This has been a true reminder that anything is possible.
Another part to this story involves the trip to New York. I had been worrying about spending money for the trip, but because the girls agreed it would be an early Christmas present, i decided to go anyway. I just stopped worrying about it and felt I would get the money somehow. Today out of the blue I got some extra money. I think there is something to this.
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| posted by Kelly @ 12/05/2003 04:56:00 PM |
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| Wednesday, December 03, 2003 |
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Dec. 3, 2003
Good Times are back. Yeah! I am on an emotional roller coaster these days. I joke with my husband that I must be on the right track, because of have an artist's personality. I like going down the hill, it is more fun.
I am planning a trip to NYC with my daughters. I can't wait to go. This time I'm going with a veteran city goer and we are driving into the city. I can't wait! Kelci and Michelle were bouncing off walls when I told them. There excitement made me giddy.
I finally wrote and sent another article today. It was so wonderful this morning when that strong URGE to write came back. I kept trying to brush it off and continue working, but it would not be stopped. I had to write. It is at these times that I know I'm doing the right thing. The writer in me lives for moments like that. |
| posted by Kelly @ 12/03/2003 04:55:00 PM |
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| Tuesday, December 02, 2003 |
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Dec. 2, 2003
I am trying not to have this journal be about writing, but since that is my obsession these days, it just seems to be going in that direction. Anyway, the writing has not been that great. I think I would have been better off not having lucky breaks in the beginning because it made it seem so easy. Now that things aren't as easy and reality is setting in and my freelance assignment is coming to the end, I am starting to panic. What will I do for money? The dreamer in me keeps telling me to follow my heart and the money will follow. This is hard as I watch the check book balance steadily decline. Following my heart has brought me some wonderful things though, and for now I will continue to follow my heart.
I got myself out of a rut--a few really bad days of tremendous self doubt--by doing something creative. And it wasn't writing--lately it is never writing, but that is another issue. I made some very cool candle holders that I would love to sell. I am not sure how to do this, but I am going to try. If nothing comes of that, I will give them as gifts for Christmas. The experience was worth it.
I had fun creating and making them. It was very relaxing, and it made me stop worrying so much about writing. It gave me something else to focus on, and another idea how to earn money while continuing to write. I gave one to my best friend and I liked the reaction I got. "I think you've got something here, you could sell these." It always helps when someone else backs up what you are thinking.
Another thing I learned this week is that it is good to listen to the advice of others, but at times you need to do what is best for you. What works perfect for one person might not be right for another. Everyone has different circumstances that influence the outcome. Do what you think is best, after all no one really knows you like you know yourself. I hope that makes sense on paper, cause in my head it was very inspiring!
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| posted by Kelly @ 12/02/2003 04:51:00 PM |
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| About Me |
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Name: Kelly Gibbons
Home: Dallas, Pennsylvania, United States
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