Kelly Gibbons, artist and writer, about me

Friday, February 06, 2004

I must be in "notice my annoying" habits mode. I feel like I am constantly trying to fix myself. Maybe I should be working on accepting myself the way I am.

I can't leave things alone. I constantly have to fix or change things. This applies to everything from writing to my hair. It includes this blog, my house, my car, my life, my everything. I can never leave anything alone. This habit gets me into trouble at times, but I can't help myself. I'm like the little kid who knows what will happen, but pokes the bee hive anyway.

I have gotten myself into trouble so many times by not knowing when to stop. Most of the time the sentence before everything goes wrong is "I'll just fix this one last thing..." or "I wonder what will happen if I...?" Stupid question. I always know the answer but do it anyway.

When I worked away from home my cubicle buddy used to laugh when I did this. She'd try to stop me from doing something or asking something she knew was going to get me into trouble. But she knew no matter how much she tried I'd do it anyway. As soon as I would open the can of worms I would regret it, but the next day I'd be there opening it up again. Maybe this time there won't be any worms. Yeah, right.

If you stick your hand over the candle you're going to get burnt. Hmm, maybe I have the special kind of hand that doesn't get burnt. Let me see.

Ouch. Nope. But it doesn't stop me. I keep poking, prodding, fixing, changing and trying new things.

Then again, sometimes things get better because of my obsession with change. First drafts are bad, if I didn't rewrite things wouldn't get published. I destroyed this blog a few times then I figured out that I can add pictures. I like the results, so was it really that bad? If I didn't accidentally dye my hair orange, I wouldn't know I was never meant to be a red head. Same goes for the brown, and the black. And If I didn't get stung by that bee I would always wonder if I was allergic.

Maybe this isn't such a bad habit to have. Change is good. Being willing to get hurt to try something you want to try might not always be a bad thing. Cleaning up the messes can be frustrating at times, but it might be the only way to learn how to do something the right way to avoid a mess the next time. Sometimes its fun just to see what will happen. Who knows, maybe that one time you poke that hive there won't be a swam of nasty bees to greet you. And then you might have something great to take to show and tell.

posted by Kelly @ 2/06/2004 10:58:00 AM

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