Kelly Gibbons, artist and writer, about me

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

"One life on this earth is all that we get, whether it is enough or not enough, and the obvious conclusion would seem to be that at the very least we are fools if we do not live it as fully and bravely and beautifully as we can."
Frederick Buechner
American Author and Lecturer

My comments (haloscan) aren't working today. It seems to be web wide--not just me. That's probably a good think because I worry way to much about them anyway. If your feel an urge to speak to me, send an email. I love mail--not SPAM! (yea it is fixed!!)

I don't want to make this an apology, because I'm not sorry for anything I write here. I write what I'm feeling at the moment. I don't edit these pages and I also don't worry about grammar (spell check takes care of the spelling thank you). Sometimes I write about the same things over and over. I do so because it is the lesson I need to learn. Please excuse me if you think I'm repetitive. It's how I learn.

I'm taking my "paying" work back today and I have no idea if I will have more. I am very happy to report that I am not panicked over this. This is a giant step for me. Last time this happened I thought I was going to go over the edge.

I stressed and worried and thought I'd have to go back to a job in the "real" world. Then things worked out and I realized that I did a whole lot of worry for nothing. I'm to the point where it doesn't matter. I know I'll be OK. I have survived so far on the peanuts I have been making, so I know I can do it.

The work I have been doing has been time consuming. By the time I'm ready to work on writing and art I'm tired. I still do the writing and art, but I don't thing I put my best effort into it. Without the work distraction I can put all my effort into this.

The very worst thing that will happen is that I will have to get out there and get a paying job for a bit. So what. I have a feeling it won't be necessary, but if it is, it is. What's one more job on the resume. I can quit that one too. I'm getting good at it! That's funny to say because I remember how scared I was when I quit my waitress job. It took me over two years to be brave enough. Kicking the cubicle habit was much easier. It only took two months. It gets easier every time.

Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for the work I've had. If I get more I'll be happy for it, but if I don't that's life. I will use my time to work on other things I really want to, like writing and art. An artist friend I know gave me some advice yesterday, "When it is slow and your not selling anything, work anyway. Work on the things you really want to do. You'll have them ready when you need them. " So, that is what I am going to do. I have a feeling I will be very busy. There are so many things that I really want to do but haven't had time to because I've been working on other things.

No more excuses. I have the time, so now I will do all the things I said "I'll do that when I have the time." And when (noticing I'm saying WHEN, not if) I have the money, I'll do all those things I said "I'll do that when I have money." It has been a slow shift, but I have found that most everything I really want to do doesn't require money anyway.

I am also doing something fun today. I'm meeting my best friend for coffee. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but I never get to do this. It is another of those things that I say I'm always going to do but never get around to do. One or both of us will send an email, "Hi I miss you, we have to get together," but then we never do it. I finally said this is ridiculous and told (didn't ask) my friend we were meeting. Sometimes that is how you have to do things. It kind of goes with the "I will" thing I posted the other day. Saying I will makes you do it. I told you I'd be saying "I will" a lot. It is working. I am doing things.

More things I will do:

I will get some paying writing and illustration jobs. (today would be nice, but I understand if it is tomorrow too!)
I will clean my house today.
I will draw a beautiful illustration today (maybe more than one!)
I will be good to myself.
I will not worry.

I am finally accepting that this is how my life is supposed to be. It feels good.

Added at 5:39 pm:

Maybe instead I will meet my best friend for coffee, spend several hours catching up, and blow off the rest of the day. Yea, that sounds more fun.

posted by Kelly @ 2/25/2004 08:08:00 AM

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