Kelly Gibbons, artist and writer, about me

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

I don't want this post to come across as a feel sorry for me post, because it is not at all what I want. It is an observation and I felt like putting it here.

I don't have any close friends. Throughout my whole life I have had good friends, but they always seem to come in stages. I had my elementary school best friend, my junior high best friends, my high school best friends, my before I was married best friends, and my work best friends. I always seems that when I move on to something different I leave my friends behind.

These are people that I did everything with, that I was so close to I shared everything with them. We went everywhere together, we talked on the phone all the time, we went on vacations together. These were real friends that I shared secrets and dreams with, that I made plans with, that I thought would be in my life forever. There was never a fight between us, there was never a bad ending with any of them. I moved on to something else and then they were gone.

When I see any of these people now we can pick up where we left off. We can laugh and talk like we saw each other yesterday, but we never follow through. The end of the conversation is always, "We have to stay in touch, this was so much fun." But, we never do.

When I left my last two jobs I promised myself this wouldn't happen. I promised myself I was going to keep in touch with people. I wasn't going to allow anymore friendships to slip away. For awhile I did. I would stop by my friends house or at work to say hi, I would call occasionally and I would send emails. I made sure I didn't make the stops all about me. I would even take my one friend silly gifts for no reason. I would see something and it would remind me of her so I would by it. None of this helped.

I don't get any phone calls, or emails, and no one stops by. My closest friends are my family and some internet pals. I am not dishing this because they are wonderful, but I can't help but wonder why I can't keep real friends.

Some people have suggested that it's my zodiac sign (Aquarius) and that it is just the way I am. But, I live with 3 other Aquarians and they don't seem that way at all.

I have thought of so many reasons but none make sense. Then I start to thing its me. Maybe I do something or say things a certain way that pushes people away. But I can't think of anything that I do. I have even asked people, and they say no. Is everyone that busy in life that real friendships don't matter anymore?

I don't think that is it either, because I know other people who don't have this problem.

I have also tried to find new friends that are doing the same thing that I am, but that wasn't too successful either.

The strange things is that I know so many people and they all seem to like me. But I can't seem to have anything other than acquaintances. I really wish I could figure out the character flaw I posses that would change this. I would love to have one of those friends that is there for life.

posted by Kelly @ 5/18/2004 05:33:00 AM

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