Kelly Gibbons, artist and writer, about me

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Random Bits of Funniness (At Least to Me)
In other words, I don't know what to write today. This is what came to mind as I sat here thinking.

The Doughnut Police
When I was pregnant with my son, I gained an extraordinary amount of weight. I lost count after 60 pounds. The last few weeks of my pregnancy the Doctor actually put me on diet. It wasn't that extreme, he just suggested that I stop eating junk food. The nerve! I made the mistake of telling my husband, and he watched me like a hawk (for the sake of the baby of course).

There was an unopened pack of chocolate covered donuts in the house, but after I saw my husband eating one, I thought I could sneak one without him knowing. I didn't know I was married to a master spy! After I ate the doughnut, and got rid of all evidence (not a crumb left), I felt that I had successfully outwitted the doughnut police.

Acting as innocent as I could I sat watching TV and the husband asked, "How was the doughnut?"
Acting very offended, I said, "What doughnut? I didn't have a doughnut!" I said, .
"Then why is the box opened?"
"You had one earlier."
"Yea, but I didn't open the box."
"Yes you did, I saw you eating it. You ate it right in front of me."

The package was made in such a way that he could get the doughnut out of the box without actually opening it. He had set me up! He thought he was so smart. But how smart is a man that irritates an overdue, overly sensitive, food deprived pregnant woman? It is the last time he ever tried that.

No Candy in this Aisle
When my daughter, Michelle, was 12 we were grocery shopping and as I headed for the checkout she said, "Mom, you can't go in that aisle."
"Why not?"
"You have candy," she said, very seriously.
"So, what."
"But the sign says, "Parents, no candy in this aisle!"

As Kelci approached the aisle with her candy, Michelle (very impressed with her new found knowledge) figured she pass along the joke and as she pointed to the sign, she said, "Kelci, you can't come in this aisle!"
Kelci just looked at her as if to say,"You can't be serious!" and promptly explained to her what the sign really meant. They might look alike, but there are ways to tell them apart.

Marathon Shopper
Stupid things make me envious. I wish I could be one of those people that was organized enough to stock my cupboards so I would only have to go to the store once a week.

The other day I ran into some people I know at the grocery store. They had a full cart of groceries and were heading to the checkout. I got that little twinge of jealousy as I ran past them half asleep, randomly throwing stuff into my cart. Yes, once again I had forgotten to stock up on milk and coffee and an angry mob, throwing dry cereal, had chased me from my house. I made a mad dash through the store, and made a quick exit and found the same well prepared couple parked next to me loading their groceries into their car, and the wife commented, "Boy, that was fast!"

"Yeah I always do a warm up lap, I have to come back for the marathon later!"
At least my sense of humor never runs out.

Do You Know Where Your Children Are?
I debated writing this one here, but it was funny to me. Hopefully no one takes it as a sign of bad parenting.

The same morning I made the mad dash to the grocery store, I lost my son. Well, I didn't actually lose him (he is after all over 6 feet tall and pretty loud, so that would be very difficult to do). I just misplaced him.

When I walked out the door his car wasn't there. I had heard him come in the night before. He talked to his dad, and with the car gone I assumed he had spent the night at his friend's house. Imagine my surprise when I found him working at the checkout.

No lectures, most of the time I can keep track of my kids. Besides I blame my son for this anyway. He knows I'm brain dead and he always fills me in on these things. Maybe I should punish him for being so considerate and not waking me up to let me know he was going to work.

posted by Kelly @ 5/04/2004 10:12:00 AM

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