Kelly Gibbons, artist and writer, about me

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

I'm feeling very un-writerly lately. Rejections will do that to you.

I'm actually feeling like I don't want to keep doing this. I know it is an excuse and a cop out and that everyone gets rejection letters (even bestselling authors), but to be honest, I'm not so sure how much more I can take of this.

I am a positive person. I try to always see the bright side of things, but there is still a part of me that is a realist. That part of me wants to give this all up and go back where its safe.

Will I be happy back in that safe place? Hell, no! But to be quite honest, I'm not so happy now. It sucks never knowing when and if you'll have work. It sucks pouring your heart out on a piece of paper only to be told in the nicest possible way that once again what you have written isn't what is wanted. It sucks seeing other people moving forward while your so stuck you don't have a clue what to do.

Is it wrong to compare? Hell, yes! I know this, but I'm human and can't help myself. Sometimes I just want to scream, "When is it my turn?"

Have I done everything right? No, but I have tried, and failed, and tried again. And to be perfectly honest, I know that I might have to try two hundred more times before I succeed. I know that is what is required. But, I don't know if I want to do it anymore. I don't feel like I have it in me anymore.

Sometimes I wish I was normal -- whatever that is -- and did have this urge in me to be different and creative. Today I feel like it is a curse. Why couldn't I be satisfied going to work everyday and collect my pathetic paycheck at the end of the week? Why do I need more? Why do I want to be a writer if it is bringing me such pain?

Will I quit? Probably not, but some days it's nice to get things of your chest. Some days it is OK to kick and scream and cry and say out loud that it is not fair.

posted by Kelly @ 7/13/2004 01:06:00 PM

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