Kelly Gibbons, artist and writer, about me

Friday, July 16, 2004

Oh, boy, it looks like blogger just got more fun, I can change the text color with ease. Yep, I am easily amused!

The one thing that I think stops me most in almost everything I do is not knowing what to do next. This is what is stopping me in both writing and art. I don't have the answers, don't know where to find the answers, and I get so overwhelmed looking for the answers that I stop myself dead in my tracks. When I don't know the answer or I don't know where to get the answer is when I become the most frustrated and self defeating. It's a pattern that I know I need to break, but I don't know how.

I have a terrible time asking for help. I hate to bother people, and no matter when I have to ask for something (even if it is a small thing) it is really difficult for me. Because of this, I think I push people away. I limit the amount of contact I have with people because I don't want to be a pest, or impose on someone, or just plain annoy them. This is probably why I am intensely afraid of calling people on the phone. It is also why I don't send tons of email, or why I try to do everything myself. This kind of behavior makes it look like I am a control freak, but that's not the case. It is really because I am so afraid.

The odd think is that the way I come of to people is really not how I'm feeling inside. On the outside I come of as confident and sure of myself, when on the inside I am like a jellyfish ready to fall apart. I remember when I was a Customer Service Rep. The girl next to me said to me one day, "It's so funny how you are, you come of as so in control and sure of yourself and a little tough, but the more I get to know you I'm finding out that you aren't tough at all. I thought nothing bothered you, but now I see that things get to you more than they get to anyone else."

There are very few people in this world that know the real me. But, I think many people judge me and misunderstand me before they give me a chance. It has always been that way for me.

You don't know how badly I want a friend, a real friend who gets me. Who understands that sometimes I want to do crazy things, and be around lots of people, but that there are times that I am just as content to be completely alone. And to know that just because I don't call them everyday doesn't mean I don't want to be around them. It just means I need some time to be alone. I have never been able to keep close friends. Oh, I have had best friends and good friends, but they come and then they go. My husband on the other had has had the same best friend since he was 16 years old. His friend lives out of state now, but they still talk , and visit when they can. I don't have a clue where most of my best friends are now. There was never a bad parting, we just grew apart and went our separate ways. I envy people who can make and keep connections. I wish I knew how.

posted by Kelly @ 7/16/2004 11:16:00 AM

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