Kelly Gibbons, artist and writer, about me

Monday, September 13, 2004

I have been alternating between excited and panicked over the new job. At the moment I am panicked!

What if I take this job and don't have time to write? Like, say I am offered the perfect assignment, and I blow it because I just don't have time. What if work takes over as it always has before and I just don't feel like writing. How will my novel ever get finished?

I'm also starting to think about the money. Is this job really going to pay enough to make a difference. Now, I'll have to buy clothes again, and lunch (I have mentioned that I have lived in pajamas and survived on leftovers for a year, right?). And now I'll use more gas, not to mention more wear and tear on an already worn and torn car. Will it be worth it to go to work everyday?

What if I don't like the people I work with? What if they don't like me?

And, what if I don't like this job at all, and get back to that place where I hate to go to work everyday? Sure, I can quit, and then what? Start this whole process over again? I'm not sure I can take it.

What if I get offered a ton of freelance work and have to turn it down? Then will I fell horrible knowing that I could have continued working from home?

Logical me knows this will all work out, and this is something I need to do right now. Logical me knows that I might get more freelance work, but when it is done there are no guarantees of more. Logical me knows that I need a paying job right now, and that the job I am getting is something I always wanted to do.

Crazy me wants to keep working at home and praying for a miracle. Crazy me wants to shout to the universe that this isn't fair, and wants the universe to tell me why I wasn't able to do this. I worked hard, I learned so much, why then wasn't I able to make this work? Crazy me is demanding answers. Logical me is saying, "Everything is as it should be. This to has meaning."

Logical me is excited and looking forward to a new adventure and new opportunities. Logical me feels this is right. Crazy me is scared and feeling like a failure.

I sure hope the two me's can get their act together by Wednesday before they walk out into the real world again. They are well understood in my world, but I'm not so sure the rest of the world will be able to handle them.

posted by Kelly @ 9/13/2004 10:44:00 AM

0 Comments: