| Friday, February 27, 2004 |
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I can't help myself today--just one more post. Really it is an addition to the last post.
Another thing that I noticed. When I give something to someone else I am rewarded. Especially when it is a donation. You have to give to get.
After I got done feeling sorry for myself today, I decided to give something. I donated two articles to a web site. The email response I received was worth more than the money I could have made. I could tell that I really made some one happy. That was enough. Once again I am reminded that small gestures matter. I do feel much better when I help some one else. So I will end my grumpy spell by sharing this wonderful quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson: "It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself." |
posted by Kelly @ 2/27/2004 08:18:00 PM   |
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Boy do I feel silly about that last post. I almost erased it, but I left it there because I think it has meaning.
I spent the afternoon re-reading some of my archives and I have discovered some patterns and other things about myself:
1. When I don't have paying work I PANIC. I tell myself I am not going to but I do anyway and then my post turn into "I'm not going to write, I'm not a good writer, I'm going to find a job..."
2. When I am in this mode, everything around me breaks down (equipment). I find this very odd because it makes me feel like I'm living with some possessed objects that read my moods. Freaky!
3. I am usually cheered up by an email from an unexpected source .
4. When everything is falling apart (or so I think), something really good happens . Thank you Angela for pointing that out.
5. I give great advice to others but have a hard time following my own advice.
6. I am very hard on myself.
7. It is easy for me to see the good in everyone else.
8. I would have made a damn good cheerleader and I'm a bit upset that I wasn't picked!
9. Fridays are my melt down day. Almost every Friday I freak out. I think it's because I take stock on Monday and when I see that I didn't accomplish anything or that no one responded to me I freak out. I wonder if other creative types have a certain day of the week where they melt down.
10. I have a very hard time accepting that good things are supposed to happen for me. I believe that everyone else deserves good things but I have a hard time believing I do. I'm shocked when something good happens to me and I usually downplay it or sabotage myself.
I'm sure there are more, but I'm giving up at 10. I think I have enough to work with there. Have a wonderful weekend everyone and thank you to everyone for their nice comments--they mean the world to me. |
| posted by Kelly @ 2/27/2004 02:02:00 PM |
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I wasn't going to write this, but now for some unknown reason, I find it is important that I do.
My very first thought this morning was that I didn't want to be a writer anymore. It's too hard. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of hoping today will be the day that some publisher out there deems me worthy and decides to respond. I'm tired of trying to come up with ideas.
I am tired of worrying. I'm tired of being nice. Nice guys finish last it seems.
Everything I'm writing here right now goes against everything I've written for the last month, and you know I really don't care.
The real me is a nice person. I do try to always be positive. I try to help everyone. But to be honest, it is getting me no where. I am discouraged in a big way. I bust my ass to try to get somewhere and I don't.
I realize that much of this is that I don't have work at the moment, but I have gone back over the last few months and I have seen that not only am I not going forward I seem to be going backward.
I'm tired of everyone else getting breaks and I get nothing.
I think I want to go back to the real world of paychecks and stability. Even the most upbeat people get crushed in this crazy world of writing. I'm tired of getting beat up and I scared to death that I'm thinking this way. |
| posted by Kelly @ 2/27/2004 11:51:00 AM |
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It's been twenty years since I've graduated high school and you know what that means. It's reunion time. Time to see what everyone has been up to, what they are doing now, how much have they changed. Are they married, do they have children? Are they doing what you thought they would be?
My first reaction to a reunion is excitement. I want to go. It's exciting seeing people you haven't seen in a long time and reconnecting. That initial excitement doesn't last long. Dread sets in fast.
I don't want to go to my reunion. I don't need to see people that I haven't seen in twenty years. Apparently they don't want to see me either. I have lived in the same house for 16 years and it is on the same street I grew up on and in twenty years very few people have come knocking at the door to see how or what I'm doing. I'm very easy to find, yet people don't find me.
I don't want to go because I need to lose weight. If I go I want to be perfect.
I don't want to go because I am not where I thought I'd be. I am a struggling writer and wanna be artist. I am happy, but I'm tired of explaining to people that "no, I'm not making a lot of money doing this, yet!"
I don't want to go because I don't have much to say. I have lived in the same town my whole life, on the same street, three houses down from where I grew up. I really don't feel like hearing about the wonderful places everyone else has lived in and about all the amazing things that they have done for twenty years.
I don't want to go to my reunion because thinking about going makes me feel like this. It makes me feel like I'm not successful and that I haven't accomplished much. It makes me forget what I have done and what I am doing.
I'm not going to that reunion.
If I do go, I have a wonderful husband to escort me and the three most wonderful children to brag about.
If I do go people will be amazed at how much I've changed--the hair's not purple anymore.
If I do go I can say I'm a writer and an illustrator, and by the way, I will have my illustrations published in a book this year.
If I do go I can say I don't have a big house or a new car or a huge bank account, but I do have a wonderful life. I can tell people that I decided to stop chasing the all American dream and I decided to start chasing mine. I can tell them that I am living my dream and we can talk at the 50th and compare "What ifs." I don't plan on having any.
I guess I might go to that reunion. It might be fun. |
| posted by Kelly @ 2/27/2004 07:01:00 AM |
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| Thursday, February 26, 2004 |
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I had a wonderful day yesterday. I was in a wonderful mood, but this morning it has shifted. I don't know why that happens, I guess it is the what goes up, must come down theory. I want some damn super helium. I don't like coming down.
Anyway, all of this started last night and it keeps getting progressively worse. All my normal tricks to stay on the sunny side aren't working. I'm in break down hell.
There's something wrong with the phone. Normally I wouldn't have a problem with this. The phones broke, great. But, mine has decided to be extremely annoying. It beeps once then nothing. With a house full of teenagers this is a real problem. There friends don't understand broke and they are persistent little buggers. Let's see how many times I can call in a minute. I heard beeping in my sleep. I wonder how much this service call will cost.
My digital camera--yes my brand new digital camera--is giving me grief. It won't upload. I have disconnected, re-installed, re-booted and still nada. Blink, Blink, Blink.
Between the beep, beep, beep and the blink, blink , blink I'm going a little bananas, beserk, and batty.
Next it's the printer. Ok, so this half works. Sometimes. When it feels like it. One day no problem. The next day I have to hand feed it. I guess it is just old and wants to retire.
What's next. I don't even want to know.
OK so these are all machines. That happens, they break. Do they have to do it all at once?
All of this machinery malfunction has put me in a bad mood. Everything looks awful today. Blah. Beep. Blink. It is affecting everything-like I pushed a snowball down a hill and it keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I'm trying to snap out of it but I can't seem to do it. Everything I try to do gets the "This is Crap (TIC)Seal of Approval" before I even try do it.
I've tried writing. Nope TIC.
I've tried cleaning. TIC. And who wants to be in de ja vu cleaning hell anyway. I have been walking around the house saying, "Didn't I just pick this up. Didn't I just put this away. Didn't I just dust this." TIC!
I think I'll make a real stamper and walk around stamping everything. TIC. TIC. TIC. Beep. Blink.
I'm feeling better already. Sometimes ya just need to vent. |
| posted by Kelly @ 2/26/2004 09:49:00 AM |
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| Wednesday, February 25, 2004 |
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"One life on this earth is all that we get, whether it is enough or not enough, and the obvious conclusion would seem to be that at the very least we are fools if we do not live it as fully and bravely and beautifully as we can."
Frederick Buechner
American Author and Lecturer
My comments (haloscan) aren't working today. It seems to be web wide--not just me. That's probably a good think because I worry way to much about them anyway. If your feel an urge to speak to me, send an email. I love mail--not SPAM! (yea it is fixed!!)
I don't want to make this an apology, because I'm not sorry for anything I write here. I write what I'm feeling at the moment. I don't edit these pages and I also don't worry about grammar (spell check takes care of the spelling thank you). Sometimes I write about the same things over and over. I do so because it is the lesson I need to learn. Please excuse me if you think I'm repetitive. It's how I learn.
I'm taking my "paying" work back today and I have no idea if I will have more. I am very happy to report that I am not panicked over this. This is a giant step for me. Last time this happened I thought I was going to go over the edge.
I stressed and worried and thought I'd have to go back to a job in the "real" world. Then things worked out and I realized that I did a whole lot of worry for nothing. I'm to the point where it doesn't matter. I know I'll be OK. I have survived so far on the peanuts I have been making, so I know I can do it.
The work I have been doing has been time consuming. By the time I'm ready to work on writing and art I'm tired. I still do the writing and art, but I don't thing I put my best effort into it. Without the work distraction I can put all my effort into this.
The very worst thing that will happen is that I will have to get out there and get a paying job for a bit. So what. I have a feeling it won't be necessary, but if it is, it is. What's one more job on the resume. I can quit that one too. I'm getting good at it! That's funny to say because I remember how scared I was when I quit my waitress job. It took me over two years to be brave enough. Kicking the cubicle habit was much easier. It only took two months. It gets easier every time.
Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for the work I've had. If I get more I'll be happy for it, but if I don't that's life. I will use my time to work on other things I really want to, like writing and art. An artist friend I know gave me some advice yesterday, "When it is slow and your not selling anything, work anyway. Work on the things you really want to do. You'll have them ready when you need them. " So, that is what I am going to do. I have a feeling I will be very busy. There are so many things that I really want to do but haven't had time to because I've been working on other things.
No more excuses. I have the time, so now I will do all the things I said "I'll do that when I have the time." And when (noticing I'm saying WHEN, not if) I have the money, I'll do all those things I said "I'll do that when I have money." It has been a slow shift, but I have found that most everything I really want to do doesn't require money anyway.
I am also doing something fun today. I'm meeting my best friend for coffee. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but I never get to do this. It is another of those things that I say I'm always going to do but never get around to do. One or both of us will send an email, "Hi I miss you, we have to get together," but then we never do it. I finally said this is ridiculous and told (didn't ask) my friend we were meeting. Sometimes that is how you have to do things. It kind of goes with the "I will" thing I posted the other day. Saying I will makes you do it. I told you I'd be saying "I will" a lot. It is working. I am doing things.
More things I will do:
I will get some paying writing and illustration jobs. (today would be nice, but I understand if it is tomorrow too!)
I will clean my house today.
I will draw a beautiful illustration today (maybe more than one!)
I will be good to myself.
I will not worry.
I am finally accepting that this is how my life is supposed to be. It feels good.
Added at 5:39 pm:
Maybe instead I will meet my best friend for coffee, spend several hours catching up, and blow off the rest of the day. Yea, that sounds more fun. |
| posted by Kelly @ 2/25/2004 08:08:00 AM |
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| Monday, February 23, 2004 |
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"Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness." ~Seneca
Roman Philosopher
I don't think people realize how much power they have. What you think is the smallest most insignificant gesture can be huge to someone else.
Last week I wrote "I Love You" on a coffee cup shaped post-it note and stuck it to the inside of my husbands lunch bag. He called that afternoon to say that it made his day. It took me all of two seconds to do it and it but it meant the world to him.
Something as simple as smiling at someone can brighten their day.
If you think someone looks nice tell them. Watch their reaction.
Even if people don't tell you it matters, it does. I know because I have been deeply touched by such small gestures. I try to always thank people for their kindness, but it is not always possible.
People have the power to help others everyday and often do it without even knowing. Can you imagine if we made a conscious effort everyday to be kind to someone else. If you say or do something nice to one different person a day just imagine how many lives you'll touch in a life time.
As a writer, I am always look for opportunities. I am not always successful. I do have the opportunity everyday to be kind to someone. At last something I can be successful at and feel good about. I am not going to pass this up. It is too easy.
I also want to take the time to say thank you to Hope for making me feel so good today. Sorry I made you wait for the art work.
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| posted by Kelly @ 2/23/2004 12:07:00 PM |
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| Sunday, February 22, 2004 |
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This has been a great weekend. I slept in two days in a row. I never do that and it was wonderful. Yesterday I slept so long my daughter came to check to see if I was OK. I got a big hug when I got up and a "Thank God your OK, I really thought something was wrong with you."
I haven't worked for two days either. And I have to admit it's been nice. I don't realize how much I work until someone says something. My husband asked me if I was feeling OK, and I said "Yeah, I'm fine."
"You're not working, I thought something was wrong."
"Nope, I just didn't feel like working today. I need a break."
I finally realized it is OK to take time off. The world isn't going to fall apart--actually most of it won't even notice--and you feel a whole lot better when you do.
Another thing that is wonderful about today is that the sun has been out two days in a row. I had to go out and enjoy it today. I went for a long walk (almost 4 miles) and I enjoyed every second of it. I took pictures and I noticed things. The birds were singing, squirrels were playing, dogs were barking everywhere. I even saw some horses having fun. I couldn't help to feel a little sad (but not for long) that I have been missing all of this because I'm either too busy working or too busy complaining that I despise the cold.
It was still cold today, but I actually ended up sweating and really enjoying my self outside. I am glad I went.
My walk made me see that there is beauty everywhere. You have to open up your eyes and see it. I always want to go somewhere else to enjoy beautiful things. I have lived in the same town for 37 years so after awhile everything looks like the same old things. Today I decided to look at things as if I were an outsider and I found some amazing things.
Within 3 miles of my house there are beautiful horse farms, a dam that is untouched by humans so it is natural and beautiful and looks the same as it has for hundreds of years, beautiful historic houses that were built in the early 1800's (that's 200 years ago!), a bird sanctuary, and a cemetery that was established in 1800. That means that people are buried there that lived when the Declaration of Independence was signed.
These are things that were on my route today. There are so many other ways to go, and I can't wait to re-discover the things that are there. I felt like I went on a mini vacation today.
It is amazing what you find right in front of you. I am glad I finally looked.
Here's a little of what I saw:
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| posted by Kelly @ 2/22/2004 09:31:00 AM |
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| Friday, February 20, 2004 |
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This post is not meant to force people to feel obligated to respond. It is an observation about myself. I am feeling discouraged today and I feel like rambling.
"No new is good news" doesn't apply here. I feel worse hearing nothing. I can't even get an encouraging rejection. I go absolutely crazy when I don't hear anything. I would rather here anything than nothing.
I need other people to tell me what I've done is good to feel validated. Even if think something I've done is good, I don't really think it is until someone else says it is. I still don't always believe it then. There just saying that, they don't really mean it. It is only one person, no one else feels that way. I know this is another way of beating up on myself but the problem is I don't know how to stop it.
I have always been this way. I think it is low self confidence. I am working on this and making improvements, but in some ways it is especially hard to do. When you are trying to get yourself noticed in the writing and art business. You need for people to like what you have written and drawn. You need the approval of others to succeed.
It is good for me to say, "It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. I like my work, I think it is good. I don't care what anyone else thinks," but it does matter because to succeed other people have to like what I have done. So how do I win here. |
| posted by Kelly @ 2/20/2004 01:21:00 PM |
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| Thursday, February 19, 2004 |
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If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million who will not survive the week.
If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back,a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank or in your wallet, you are among the top 8% of the worlds wealthy.
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not. ~ Author Unknown
I like my life. I am happy. If I won the lottery and found myself suddenly rich thinks would definitely be easier, but I don't think much would change. That says volumes.
If I won the lottery I would continue to write. I would go out and buy all updated equipment and fancy things, but I wouldn't give up writing. It is something I love to do. A few years ago the very first thing I would have done if I won the lottery was quit my job.
Those fancy things and updated equipment would be nice. They would make things easier, but they aren't necessary. A pen and some paper are all I need.
I would also continue to paint. I might buy new paints and brushes and set up a studio, but again, they wouldn't make me a better artist. I would consider lessons for that. I work with the cheapest stuff right now and I can still paint. It is not the supplies, it is what is inside.
If I won the lottery, I would buy a new house for more space. My own office and studio would be nice. My husband and the kids would love spaces of their own too--a workshop, a gym, a game room. Again, all nice things and yes it would be wonderful, but not necessary. We have a nice home and wonderful neighbors. I would be sad to leave.
So, if I won the lottery I might live in a bigger house, have the best equipment and supplies but I would still be the same person. I would still have fears that my art work wasn't good. I would still struggle to come up with ideas. I will still write bad first drafts and I'd still have to do rewrites. To be published I would still have to send queries and samples.
If I had money to do all the things I say I want to do, maybe I wouldn't have time to write or draw. And that would be very sad. It is important to do what your heart tells you to do no matter what. A rich person can have as many regrets as a poor person. Will I be happier in twenty years simply because I'm rich? I don't thing so.
I believe what I've heard: Follow you heart and the money will come. I also panic at times when I forget this. I'm starting to see that money is my excuse. If I had money I could do this. I won't let it be. If I am going to do this I'll find a way. If that means taking on other jobs, so be it. If it means making due with was I have, so be it. If it means giving things up that I don't really need, so be it. Doing what I am doing makes me happy. Winning the lottery won't do that.
A million dollars won't make me rich or happy if I wasn't rich or happy before I got it. |
| posted by Kelly @ 2/19/2004 08:05:00 AM |
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| Wednesday, February 18, 2004 |
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Yesterday my daughters were watching one of those silly MTV dating shows and I was very surprised that I found something worthwhile on it. One of the "dates" had a saying on the wall of her apartment that I couldn't stop thinking about. It was right by her door and she read it everyday when she walked out the door. It was very simple but so powerful. I will.
Saying it gives you power. I will be a writer. I will get that assignment. I will be published. I will.
I posted the same saying over my computer and I plan on reading it everyday when ever I need encouragement. I will be reading it often.
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| posted by Kelly @ 2/18/2004 04:21:00 PM |
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| Tuesday, February 17, 2004 |
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"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." ~Eleanor Roosevelt
A few weeks ago I talked about my dream of opening a business. I mention that I always wanted to own a coffee shop/book store. I had contacted a man about renting a building and starting doing research about owning a business. Then I didn't post anything.
It's not that I have given up on this dream, someday I still might do this. I think it is a good idea and I think I could have a nice business. After researching this a bit I realized that it is not what I want right now. Owning a business would require a lot more time than I am willing to give right now. I am not ready to give up working at home. I like what I'm doing at the moment. It's nice to have other dreams and ideas and I am so glad that I took steps towards other dreams. I just know now that it is not something I really want to pursue right now.
I want to be a writer. I want to do everything I can right now to make this dream a reality. Lately it has been hard to keep myself on track. I haven't had much luck with the writing, so I have been avoiding it. I have been looking for other things to do (just in case this writing thing doesn't work out). I have been setting myself up for failure by doing this.
It's not that I don't want other things. I do. I want all of my dreams to come true. I think they will too, because I don't plan on giving any of them up. It just might take longer to realize some than others.
It's funny but when I picture my bookstore/cafe I always see a room in the back where I can write. I figure that when I do open it I'll spend most of my time back there writing. I'm not sure I'll make a very owner because I will be annoyed every time I am interrupted by a customer! I think I'll need to find a way to deal with that before I go and open a store because I won't be in business too long now will I?
I also have the artist thing I'm concentrating on now. I had forgotten how much I enjoy art and I really want to pursue this too right now. I have decided that writing and drawing are enough. It is OK to put other things on hold if they aren't right for you at the moment. It doesn't mean you are giving them up, it means you have something to look forward to later. |
| posted by Kelly @ 2/17/2004 09:04:00 AM |
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| Monday, February 16, 2004 |
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I don't know if anyone has ever noticed or visited the Angel Card Reading link to the left. It's my mom's site. She is an Angel Therapy Practioner and she is offering free one card readings.
Just so you know this is not a religious thing. I know that turns some people off. I don't like comparing them to Tarot cards (because they aren't negative or scary in any way) but people understand what the cards are about better when I say that. The angel readings are very positive and can give you answers and guidance.
I play around with my decks, but my mom actually studied with the creator of the cards, Dr. Doreen Virtue, and she is certified. She would love to hear from you. If you go to her site, she can do an email reading.
Here's an example of what the cards tell you. I used my cards and I was asking the question "What do I need to work on this week?" (I was thinking of writing and illustrating)
There are several types of decks and I pulled a card fro Healing with the Angels. The card I pulled was "Signs." This card means: "Pay careful attention to the messages the angels give you now. You have asked for a sign , and they deliver it. Notice and trust these signs!" The card further explains that since I asked for help it is up to me to pay careful attention to the signs and says that signs come in different forms. Maybe a song repeated over and over or finding something in front of you that you have to notice.
I'll have to keep my eyes open this week!
The worst think that could happen with a reading is that it will give you something to think about. Have fun, give it a try. |
| posted by Kelly @ 2/16/2004 05:51:00 PM |
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"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. ~ Herman Cain
I have had some wonderful news that I have wanted to share for a few weeks. I haven't shared for two reasons. One is that I am superstitious, and I feared it would go away if I told. The other is because I fear putting people off and driving them away.
When I first started writing there were so many people I could share my success with. Now when I have good news to share it seems I have fewer and fewer people tell. I made sure I wasn't obnoxious when I shared either. Usually just a simple email: "I just wanted to let you know that I have a new article, if your interested, you can find it..." I was happy and I wanted to tell people, but now I regret doing it because these people seem to be gone. I don't know why. I am always happy to hear about the good fortune of others.
When bad things happen people have no problem asking me for details. I guess it is easier to accept someone's failure than it is to be happy for their success.
I share because I am happy, not because I want to brag or flaunt my success in someone else's face. I am proud of my accomplishments and I want to tell people. Is that really wrong? I hope not.
I am happy. I love what I am doing. I am not going to be sorry for it.
I was the most surprised by my news. Twenty four hours after I posted my first drawing on this blog, I was contacted by a woman and asked if I would illustrate the book she has written. That is the reason for my new addiction to drawing and the start of my new blog (A SunnyK Kind of Day). I was absolutely shocked and honored that someone would want me to draw for their book. I have always loved to draw, but never once considered I could be an artist. I am amazed how opportunities just appear. Everyday I realize more and more that the world is full of possibilities. |
| posted by Kelly @ 2/16/2004 11:28:00 AM |
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| Friday, February 13, 2004 |
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It's Friday.
I doubt anyone else will be shocked or surprised by that, but I really didn't know what day it was until my son pointed it out. All morning I have been walking around thinking it was Thursday. I was making lunches and running out of everything and I said several times, "Did we get an extra day this week?"
I was pissed because that meant a trip to the store for more groceries for one day. How nice to know that it is Friday, I am crazy, and the rest of my family was nice enough to not point it out to me for once.
I'll go back to my own world now. |
| posted by Kelly @ 2/13/2004 07:56:00 AM |
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Last night as I flipped though 40 or 60 channels, however many I have now. This could get me going on a whole other subject--$45 a month to watch crap on TV.
anyway, I was flipping through the channels and the recurring theme seemed to be serial killers. Joy. Jack the Ripper and the Zodiac Killer were spotlighted. More joy. I couldn't help myself--I get sucked in easy. Thank god I was tired and didn't watch much. I am really afraid what my dream would have been like then.
On one of these "Let's Glorify the Serial Killer" programs a detective made a comment about the killer's threat on children (it was Zodiac, Jack stuck to adults) that was so stupid I can't believe they aired it. This is not word for word, but it went something like, "it was unimaginable, he was planning to kill children for no good reason."
I looked at my husband and said, "So, if he had a reason, it would be OK."
I could hear the killer now, "She was wearing a red shirt, so I killed her."
Stupid detective, "Well, then it is OK, you can go."
That stupid line must have stuck with me because my dreams were terrible. I dreamt my son killed someone (but he didn't mean to!) Before I go any further I should add that my son is a 17 year old sweetheart that would never kill anything unless it was on a video game (YUK!).
In the dream after he killed the girl he came to me for help. Being the good mother I am I helped him hide the body, clean up the murder scene and get rid of all the evidence. After all, he didn't mean to do it. Why should he be punished. Calling the authorities never enter my mind. A girl was dead, my son killed her, but it was OK 'cause he didn't mean to do it.
For the record, I hope I am never faced with this situation in real life I did a miserable job of it in my dreams. I would be sittin' in Sing-Sing right now. I guess I should be happy that I don't have it in me to cover-up a murder. Wait 'til I tell my son he is not aloud to kill anyone today.
Don't ask me why I am posting this. I am not sure myself. I think there might be a lesson somewhere in there other than it is not OK to kill. I'm sure I could put some kind of writing or parenting lesson on the end of this if anyone really wants me to. I won't. Sometimes it is nice to write want is on your mind for no other reason than you want to. It is OK to write for no reason at all. Sorry, I couldn't help myself.
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I am in a posting mood today, so bear with me.
I told my son not to kill anyone this morning, and without missing a beat or even knowing why I said it his reply was, "OK mom not 'til this afternoon."
You have to love a kid with a sense of humor like that. |
| posted by Kelly @ 2/13/2004 07:31:00 AM |
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| Thursday, February 12, 2004 |
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Today is one of those days. Any day that I am forced to pay bills is one of those days. It's not pretty.
If I don't start to earn more money writing, I will be forced to go back to work. The thought of that makes me ill. It is one of those days where I can't see another way out.
I am amazed that it has lasted as long as it has. It is pretty amazing to cut your income by two thirds and still be able to make it. I have been very lucky so far. Every time I think I just won't be able to do it anymore something comes up to save me. Sooner or later I fear my luck will run out. It is looking more like sooner than later.
I still have some work at home doing internet research, but every time I drop work off I hold my breath until more is given to me. There are no guarantees that when a project is finished that a new one will be there in its place. Every time I leave with more work in my hands I say a little thank you, "Oh yes, at least I have two more weeks at home!"
I feel like I'm playing the lottery, but with a very small prize.
I am stuck. I know there are thousands of magazines out there, but I don't seem to be having any luck finding the right ones. I need some hits, and I need them fast. I want this all to work out, but on days like this it is easy to have doubts.
The hardest part is that it is out of my control. I can write the best damn article ever, but I have no control over when or if it will ever be published. And the way my luck has been in that department I'd say my odds aren't too good.
I live for good news days, and I need some today. What I need is for my inbox to fill up with responses: "We are going to publish your article, and pay you LOTS!" I don't think it is asking for a lot. Even one would do it for me. So if the powers that be are listening today I would really like some help. Thanks.
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| posted by Kelly @ 2/12/2004 02:35:00 PM |
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| Wednesday, February 11, 2004 |
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How to Add Images to Your Blog (Without Having Your Own Web Space)
This image is for Feisty. This is my dog Keisha. She's part Corgi, but all feisty! (To Toni: Sorry about the flash green eyes-she's a point and shoot kinda girl-has to be quick or no pic)
One of my favorite things about having this blog is the ability to share things with other people. I especially love to share when I learn new things that can be helpful and useful and don't cost money. My motto is cheap is good, but free is better.
When I first started writing I knew nothing about web site design, blogs, html or codes. Codes were a foreign language to me. I am not saying I'm an expert (far from it). If I went to HTML-land I would be the tourist asking the stupid questions and saying the stupid things (Ein bier bitte). Yes I can order a beer in Germany but little else.
I am happy I have learned enough to change things like background color, font, placement of object (that one's still a bit tricky) and add images. My favorite is adding images. I am a visual person and I have gotten the best responses from images. This leads me to believe that there are many people out there who would love to put images on their blogs but don't know how because they don't have their own web site or access to web space.
When I first started putting images up I had to post them on my homepage, put the code in my new post, resize it if needed, etc. It was not hard, but it took some time. I was also worried about space on my homepage. I have found a new image hosting web site to post pictures. It is free (of course donations are accepted), easy to use and available to anyone who registers. There are restrictions on some images--NO PORN (yea) and nothing copyright protected.
All you have to do is transfer your image from where you have it stored on your computer and the site does the rest. With a click of a button you store your image and the site generates an image tag that can be copied and pasted in your post. Easy. Resizing is simple too, click a button. I have been using it for a week and haven't had any problems. (Another image, the map, I got from a different web site is missing on occasion. I haven't had any problems with my other images.)
The site is Photobucket.com. There is a lot of useful information on the site (click the about button). I can't wait to see the images people put on their blogs. Please let me know when you post some. |
| posted by Kelly @ 2/11/2004 06:39:00 AM |
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| Tuesday, February 10, 2004 |
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I love to draw and paint. I have done it since I was a kid, and the walls of my house have murals to prove it. However, I don't consider myself an artist. I am not sure why.
I was actually surprised when someone referred to me as an artist. I'm not an artist. Why did they call me an artist?
I doodle, I draw cartoons, I dabble with paints, but I never say I am an artist. I consider other people who draw cartoons artist, but not myself. I realized this yesterday when I posted at my other blog and couldn't bring myself to write "Artist asleep." I referred to myself as a writer. Six months ago I couldn't do that either.
Today I will be very brave. I am going to say it out loud. I am an artist.
(Pause-I'm hiding under the desk waiting for the Artist League or whatever it is to come and point and laugh or yell at me. "You're not an artist. Stop saying you are.")
I'm still waiting. I don't think they are coming. It was the same as when I declared myself a writer, no one came to laugh at me, no one came to call me a fake. I was a writer because I was writing.
I have never liked labels, because I have never fit in to one particular one. Today I am thinking that some labels are not so bad. I am a writer. I am an artist. Those are two labels I can live with. |
| posted by Kelly @ 2/10/2004 12:08:00 PM |
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| Sunday, February 08, 2004 |
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For the last 14 years I have been reminded that miracles happen. I have been able to marvel at the wonders of the universe everyday. One tiny little cell decided to split for unknown reasons and create two unique but very much the same individuals.
14 years ago I got to see these amazing souls for the very first time. Two identical babies born 12 minutes apart looking so much alike that I couldn't even tell them apart. Yes, I panicked when they removed the arm bands marked A & B. And no I didn't mix them up.
To this day I still look at them in awe and wonder how I got so lucky. I look at them as individuals, and sometimes they don't seem alike at all, but there are other times that they are so much alike it is scary. Kelci will tip her head in the exact same way that Michelle does, or Michelle will say something that up until now has been Kelci's way. I have lived with them for 14 years and I still don't get the "freaky twin thing." They are connected in a way that most of us will never understand.
My girls are wonderful. They are beautiful from the inside out. They are sweet, kind, generous and nice. They are also gorgeous. Tall, thin, and blonde. Yes I'm scared. These are my babies. Boys beware. And on top of this they are fantastic athletes--something they can thank their dad for. Even at 14, they are remarkable human beings and I am so proud that I am their mom.
Being Kelci and Michelle's mom has been one marvelous adventure and twice the fun.
Happy 14th Birthday Kelci.
Happy 14th Birthday Michelle.
I love you. |
| posted by Kelly @ 2/08/2004 07:03:00 AM |
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| Friday, February 06, 2004 |
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I must be in "notice my annoying" habits mode. I feel like I am constantly trying to fix myself. Maybe I should be working on accepting myself the way I am.
I can't leave things alone. I constantly have to fix or change things. This applies to everything from writing to my hair. It includes this blog, my house, my car, my life, my everything. I can never leave anything alone. This habit gets me into trouble at times, but I can't help myself. I'm like the little kid who knows what will happen, but pokes the bee hive anyway.
I have gotten myself into trouble so many times by not knowing when to stop. Most of the time the sentence before everything goes wrong is "I'll just fix this one last thing..." or "I wonder what will happen if I...?" Stupid question. I always know the answer but do it anyway.
When I worked away from home my cubicle buddy used to laugh when I did this. She'd try to stop me from doing something or asking something she knew was going to get me into trouble. But she knew no matter how much she tried I'd do it anyway. As soon as I would open the can of worms I would regret it, but the next day I'd be there opening it up again. Maybe this time there won't be any worms. Yeah, right.
If you stick your hand over the candle you're going to get burnt. Hmm, maybe I have the special kind of hand that doesn't get burnt. Let me see.
Ouch. Nope. But it doesn't stop me. I keep poking, prodding, fixing, changing and trying new things.
Then again, sometimes things get better because of my obsession with change. First drafts are bad, if I didn't rewrite things wouldn't get published. I destroyed this blog a few times then I figured out that I can add pictures. I like the results, so was it really that bad? If I didn't accidentally dye my hair orange, I wouldn't know I was never meant to be a red head. Same goes for the brown, and the black. And If I didn't get stung by that bee I would always wonder if I was allergic.
Maybe this isn't such a bad habit to have. Change is good. Being willing to get hurt to try something you want to try might not always be a bad thing. Cleaning up the messes can be frustrating at times, but it might be the only way to learn how to do something the right way to avoid a mess the next time. Sometimes its fun just to see what will happen. Who knows, maybe that one time you poke that hive there won't be a swam of nasty bees to greet you. And then you might have something great to take to show and tell. |
| posted by Kelly @ 2/06/2004 10:58:00 AM |
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| Thursday, February 05, 2004 |
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This is the first thing I see in the morning as I make my coffee. I have wanted to share it for a long time, and this morning I was so excited because I remembered that with my wonderful b-day present I would finally be able to share. Now you know what I look at everyday--at least until I start to work on the computer. I like this view much better.
I don't like the winter. I never have and I doubt I ever will--I don't like the cold. I usually find everything to complain about in the winter. I rarely find anything nice about it. In my attempt to better myself I have been working on finding the positive in everything. That said: I love this view and I can only see it in the winter. In the summer the leaves grow and the tree is full and I see much less of the sunrise.
No matter how bad you think things are you have to remember to look around and find the positive. If you look it will be there.
This post should most certainly keep my reputation as Pollyanna firmly intact!
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| posted by Kelly @ 2/05/2004 06:47:00 PM |
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| Wednesday, February 04, 2004 |
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It's hard not to be jealous sometimes.
When I hear about someone else's good fortune, my first reaction is happiness. I really am happy for that person. I like to see people get what they deserve. I'm human though, and I must admit that my initial happiness sometimes turns to jealousy.
Just a little twinge. "Why them and not me?" I doesn't usually last long. But it is there, and I don't like it.
It bothers me that I feel this way. I am happy for the person, and most of the time I understand why them and not me. They have worked hard and they are getting their reward. Even though I don't let this feeling show, I know that it is there and I feel bad that my petty feelings are taking anything away from someone else's celebration.
Even if that person doesn't know, I know, and it bothers me. Even though it is a small twinge, it's still there. I want to be genuinely happy for people. No ifs. That's why I am working to change this.
Being jealous of someone is like comparing myself to them. And that is not good thing to do. We all have unique situations, talents, strengths and weaknesses. Jealousy is a time waster, and it always brings me down. It makes me focus on what I don't have and it makes me forget all the good things that I do have.
It's not like I spent hours dwelling on this, but one second is too much as far as I'm concerned. I Have much better things to do with my time. I don't have time to waste. There is too much I need to do. |
| posted by Kelly @ 2/04/2004 08:26:00 PM |
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| Tuesday, February 03, 2004 |
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Don't forget to check out A SunnyK Kind of Day.
create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide
I found this over at Toni's blog and I had to do my own. Looks like I need to head west!
This made me realize how lucky I was as a kid. Even though we didn't have much money, my grandparents always managed to take us on some awesome adventures. One year we went from Dallas, PA to Dallas, TX to see where the Cowboys played.
The trip did not start out that great, because my older cousin (who the entire trip was planned for) wasn't able to go at he last minute. We left with everyone pouting. Vacations always seemed to start that way, but always turned out fine.
I also remember that we did not get very far when Grandpa's old Ford econline van broke down. We went to a Sears auto center to get it fixed. The best part about that is the store was at a Mall and our unexpected pit stop lead to the coolest Charlie's angel shirt ever. We are talking the original Charlie's Angels here, and of course I was always Kelly.
Looking back at that trip I have to say it was amazing. I was able to go right down on the field of Texas Stadium. I rode to the top of the St. Louis Arch. I went to the Cowboy Hall of Fame in Oklahoma. We stopped at Notre Dame (that was Grandpas idea). And I can't even remember everything else we did. That was 25 years ago and we still talk about that vacation.
Vacations then were on a shoestring budget. We packed our own food and camped along the way. Planes and hotels were not even a consideration, but I got to see much more of the world by not having money. |
| posted by Kelly @ 2/03/2004 12:58:00 PM |
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| Monday, February 02, 2004 |
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Last week was incredible. I don't want to spill all the details yet ('cause I'm superstitious and I'm afraid I will jinx it) but something happened that absolutely blew me away. I'm still in shock.
The news has something to do with my recent obsession with drawing and I am pleased to announce that I have a new outlet for my creative expression. I have launched a new blog called "A SunnyK Kind of Day."
I am really starting to believe that when you are on the right path in life everything just falls in to place. The statement: "I just knew that this is what I am supposed to do," makes sense to me now. I was always so jealous of people when they said that. I felt like screaming, "How do you know? Tell me, so I can figure it out too!"
Now I know that it is something that I always knew. I just buried it deep inside because I didn't believe in myself. It is amazing what happens when decide to really look at yourself and figure out who you really are.
For years I said things like I want to be a writer, I want to be an artist, I want to be a photographer, yet I didn't do a thing about it. When I finally decided to try these things, I found out that I was quite capable of being any one of them. I am all of these things and I am learning how to make a living being these things. I am a writer. I am an artist. I am a photographer. I finally believe in myself.
If there is one lesson that everyone needs to learn it is to believe in yourself no matter what anyone else says. If you believe in yourself anything is possible. I am going to try very hard not to forget this.
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| posted by Kelly @ 2/02/2004 02:19:00 PM |
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| Sunday, February 01, 2004 |
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I'm signing off for the weekend--I hope, but before I go I wanted to shout out Thanks to a great person.
Hey Toni if your out there, I wanted to say thanks, and wanted to say lets do coffee sometime.
*Note this is just my first idea of Toni-I was going to scrap it but have decided to work with it. Stay tuned for Toni's makeover! |
| posted by Kelly @ 2/01/2004 08:56:00 AM |
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| About Me |
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Name: Kelly Gibbons
Home: Dallas, Pennsylvania, United States
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| Not Quite Grown-up: The Random Ramblings of Kelly Gibbons the Dreamer, Writer and Artist |
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