Kelly Gibbons, artist and writer, about me

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Seeking Change

I have been keeping a painted journal, and I looked over today and found a common theme. I seem to go there when I'm feeling bad.

I list how I'm feeling on the entries and over and over I have written negative things:

Feeling:
Blah
dissatisfied
lacking
loser-ish
wanting more (and not knowing how to get it)
jealous
bad
OK, but restless
wanting (and knowing there's more...)
angry
annoyed
upset
feeling things aren't right
frustrated
overwhelmed
like a failure
like I'm never going to get the things I want
wishing I could let go
bored
tired
uneasy
restless
discontented
lost
mad
disappointed
yucky
ugly
lonely
fat
lost
confused
tired of not doing enough
worried
anxious
like something is missing
like I'm not doing enough
scared
don't want to mess things up
fear of perfection
never feel like I have anything important to say or that anyone wants to here it

I hesitated posting this, because the list reads like I'm in the throws of depression. I'm not. I get over most of this by putting it down on the paper. I write these things to get them out...to release what I'm feeling and I do get over it. But, it was surprising to me to see that I kept writing the same things over and over. Obviously, I still have things to work out. I think it's time to work them out and stop obsessing over them--get to the bottom of what is really bothering me. But, another common theme in these entries is the questions Why? How? What? And I never seem to come up with the answers. Maybe it's time to focus on the answers instead of continuing to ask the questions.

Just to be fair to myself, I do also write "answers" on the page, and these are what helps me out of the mood I was in when I started the page. And, occasionally, I go to the painted journal when I'm feeling good--usually I don't write anything then, I just paint. When I do write on these "good days", I write about "the book", my book, my almost finished novel. I write about getting an agent, and getting it published, and how proud I am of me for doing it. I write that I believe in myself and that I know it's slow going, but I also know if I don't give up anything is possible.

posted by Kelly @ 9/27/2006 08:42:00 AM

2 Comments:

At October 02, 2006 8:28 AM, Toni said…

I think this is a really terrific exercise, Kelly. Because look at all that you're learning in the long-term. How marvelous. I wish you luck pursuing some of those answers, friend.
At October 12, 2006 7:10 PM, gary rith, maude rith said…

No No No! Not loserish! You are an inspiration!
G and M